DateJanuary 2, 2008

performing personality

I am an introvert. If I were to take a snapshot of me right now, I’d have me confused, I would be unsure, in fact, I would be sure that I was an extrovert.

I’m very shy with new people. But they wouldn’t know it, I think I’d have them fooled. Hmmm… some folk would recognize me for an introvert, but I gather most would not. I’m sometimes even shy with people I’ve known for a while.

It’s not as bad when you type and communicate over the web, IM, and email. It’s the spoken word that scares me.

There is such an immense and intense battle within, that I have to win each time, as I transform thought into spoken words. And this just for normal conversations. When I am on stage performing a skit, at a podium during a debate or in front of a crowd doing magic, it is like a war of nuclear proportions inside of me.

The more passionate I am about something the more difficult I find to get my message through. Even under normal times, I will start to stutter, start to spew out incomprehensible sentences. Such a fight and struggle just to say a few simple sane words. It’s as if that split moment starts to crumble right before me, the moment passes outside of the realm of my control. Yet, somehow I breathe and somehow I survive.

Then why is it so difficult the second time around?

I barely use the phone, I don’t like using the phone. Phone calls require talking – spoken words.

It wouldn’t be surprising if a lot of the performers out there were also extreme introverts. I’m definitely not unique in what I go through, so I wonder how people do it. I don’t create moments, I find myself in a moment and go along for the ride.

Sigh… breathe… okay.

So I found this personality test (no sign up or sign in required), which I thought was interesting not because of the gadgetry but because of the detailed nature of the questioning. It doesn’t ask you whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, it does an assessment based on your answers. There is also a PersonalDNA Facebook application.

happy? new year

another date to mark our current state of being. a countdown then, the odometer turns to eight.

free to suffer

It is as if our society is structured so that we are free and often encouraged to suffer.

Clearly, the system is broken.

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