I’ve been asked through out the years to blog my thoughts on marriage. I haven’t for a variety of reasons. A whiles back I decided I wasn’t going to blog about politics or religion or other things. Marriage falling into that other things category. I didn’t want to blog about these things because I felt I’d come off sounding “holier than thou”. I hate sounding holier than thou. If I really let out on the topic, the post would probably be full of fury and swearword-laden, but I’ll play nice. The “blog about it” rumblings have started again, and also Owl blogged about it. So I figured that I’d chime in too.
I am a 26 year old unmarried male (soon to be married, inshallah (did I just announce that on the blog even though I said I wouldn’t?)). Please don’t hold my male status against me, I was born this way. I have a problem with the system of marriage, or at least how it seems to function. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against marriage as an institution. I find the idea of growing old with someone very appealing and humbling. But there is a problem with the system and the process (or maybe with me). I might exaggerate my descriptions of said system, but you will let me know if I’m going overboard.
For me, this starts when I was somewhere in my early teens. I was in India, around a dining table where elder family members were discussing potential marriage candidates for my uncle. I was around in the periphery playing with one of my baby cousins but I was listening to the conversation. The comparison amongst potentials consisted of (among other things) things like their height and skin colour. All through out I kept wondering whether I should say something, these were my elders and if I spoke I would be directly going against things they were saying. Then at some point someone said something to the effect of: “I saw the girl’s feet and they seemed darker.”
What? WHAT??? Are you serious? This distinct pounding started in my head. It happens generally when I’m about to say something that I’m unsure I should say. But it never stops me, I end up saying it anyway.
“Kaise baatien karre aap log?” How can you say something like that?
All heads turned towards me. I tried to make my case about how their discussion was belittling and inappropriate. I said what if so and so uncle or auntie had darker skin colour, should that make them less marriageable? These are our brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts, how would we want to be treated? I did get the flurry of “you don’t understand because you’re a child” etc etc. But the conversation dragged on for a bit.
Someone then asked me this: if I were in a situation where I had to choose between two girls and they were both the same in every way except that one had dark skin and the other had white skin, who would I choose?
What? WHAT??? Are you serious? I said that the question was inappropriate and I refused to answer it. But I’m sure the point was lost on them. (In fairness to them, I’ve seen this attitude decrease as time has passed.)
I believe that we as people are greater than the sum of our parts. The marriage process, as it were, in the South Asian community dehumanizes people into their parts. I find this infuriating. I find the idea of comparing people like that absurd. We owe better to ourselves as human beings.
So when people say there’s a shortage of good people, I don’t doubt you, no. I’m a believer in Sturgeon’s law. But I question whether maybe he was okay except wasn’t tall enough for you. Or perhaps she was okay but didn’t have the culinary skills to feed your appetite. So don’t come around saying there’s a shortage of eligible men because they lack the necessary qualities of height (tallness) and hair on their heads, because we all now how ragingly important those are.
Which brings me to other absurdities. What’s with this cooking thing? “Well I don’t want to die of hunger!” some guys will say. Yeah? Then learn how to cook or eat out you ungrateful piece of no goodness. Or hire a cook. Seriously, if you want someone to clean after you and make your food, then hire a maid and a cook. Or yeah, go hungry for a few days, might do you good.
We are greater than the sum of our parts, the marriage process practically encourages us to split ourselves into our parts and remain that way. This has to stop. Maybe we think if we can match this against that then it will be a better match. You know, if the guy is 5’ 7” then the girl must be around 5’1 at least, and people with X degrees shouldn’t marry people with Y degrees, because we know that just won’t work out. I’m sorry, but when did you become a tarot card reader? Tell the future much? I’ll take a paragraph right out of Owl’s post:
But then, there’s one over everyone’s head. No one is promised matrimonial bliss. Marrying young is no guarantee for happiness. Neither is waiting. Going for the ‘arranged’ seems to work as often and not as the ‘love’ variety. Marrying in your culture is no foil to divorce, but then neither is marrying out. It doesn’t seem to matter also if you’ve married someone much older, younger or the same age. Nothing is a sure-fire bet for matrimonial success. That’s life.
Unless of course the purpose of the process is to get the pretty girls together with the rich guys. Is it?
There are more absurdities. Some of the language I hear around the process. “We’ll let her do this and that”. What? You’ll let her? What does that mean? You’ll let her? Does she not have a mind of her own? Did you lose the ability to converse and reach consensus? Do you own her will? Do you own her? You should be ashamed of yourself. Learn how to talk and discuss things instead of throwing around directions and being controlling. This language needs to die off.
Yes, this is a rant. This is a rant about the absurdities of the process. Things are absurd because we let them be absurd. We are complicit when we simply watch people do stupid things and do nothing and say nothing. At the very least you should say something. If not you (us), then who?
Sure, I get it. We can’t simply make the suggestions I’m making here (“language needs to die off”). Yes, things need to be handled with tact. But, please, say something.
[Oh I am not done yet, there will be more.]
Agree Adnan.
Regarding the cooking thing, a friend recently asked me a similar question. How important should cooking skills be in a partner?
His context was different though. For him, cooking is a potential career. He loves cooking and is working towards opening his own restaurant in the future. He’s got a menu lined up, a name thought out, and constantly scopes out locations as he goes about various towns. Mind you, he’s not a cook by profession – he’s a finance consultant for the top 3 in the US. Yet clearly, cooking to him is not the same as cooking to others.
Lets take the same framework and simply substitute cooking with carpentry. Or teaching. Or any other subject of passion. The context changes the weighting of the item in life – it changes the answer to “how important is cooking to her?”.
Mind you, the question “How important is cooking to her?” is very different then “Does she cook well?”.
I have many a personal tale of how inputs from family/friends stung when asked about Sister XYZ. The physical overtook the character. Preferences evolve into non-negotiable standard.
Sadly, as per Sturgeon’s Law, there is some wisdom somewhere in traditional practices. Sadly because it is wrapped, rolled and covered, then perhaps fried, rolled again and shipped in a lot of crap.
At the end of the day, there are certain truths I have to remember:
1) Family loves you – they mean well though express poorly at times. Same goes for friends.
2) Life is a test. Family is a test. How you handle these matter. Someone Up There is keeping score.
3) Hikat, wisdom, guides when and how to react. There is a time and place for everything.
4) Sunnah guides us to what to look for in marriage. As I’ve recently started thinking, sunnah are industry best-practices 🙂 Application will yield optimal result.
Hope these thoughts add value here.
Jazak Allah Khair,
Waleed
You’re just saying that cuz you’re wheatish. 😉
@waleed, they do indeed add value, thank you.
@owl, you have me figured out! i have been exposed. (btw, i get that a lot too)
I like this rant, Adnan. As usual your intelligence & logic shine through. Waleed’s comment was particularly insightful as well.
On an interesting note, I read a similar but somehow-more-petty “muslim man’s response to ‘there are no good guys'” on another blog (URL below) – the similar idea being that if we say “there’s no good guys/girls left,” perhaps we’re the ones picking wrong. I think both sides and many cultures are guilty of rejecting potentials based on inane qualities that are not particularly important to the health of a marriage, but I would hesitate to say that all unmarried men and women over 30 are still single because it’s their fault. In a way, that is a natural psychosis that would be irresponsible to feed into by generalizing – in the same way it would be wrong to say “it’s everyone else’s fault but mine.”
It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog comment. I hope that made sense.
http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/a-muslim-mans-response-to-“a-few-good-muslim-men”/
@anjum – yeah i think this women don’t say “good guy” until they’re 30 thing is nonsense. but i’m not a woman, so i can’t say.
and i agree, this is something that’s crosses cultural boundaries as well. e.g. you see pictures first on dating sites (i would assume. =P). so it’s not a south asian thing in particular. (i was going to mention this in the next post.)
i think the “there are no good guys” logic works both ways (male and female). and yes, everyone’s situation is kinda different. there may well be a lack of availability of good people, but i think the problem is beyond that.
it is a question of what we value and how we respect other people. and that to me is a bigger problem than people getting older and remaining single.
I don’t know man, I understand you are coming from a nice new agey perspective and all, but for alot of men and women, the things they are attracted to are mostly built in, or at least have solidified at this age in their lives (whether because of society, or otherwise I won’t get into).
Sure we should consider all of a person’s merits, and they are not the sum of their parts. However, at some point, the marriage game does become one of comparison and choosing based on your personal preferences, whether they be physical or metaphysical. Humans are physical beings, do not deny them (either gender) of their right to choose who/what they are attracted to physically.
Further, this particularly concerns sex in marriage, where how much you are physically attracted to your partner usually indicates how much you have sex with them, which is crucial to a marriage.
We are not a cerebral cortex floating around in space, looking for a like mind.
My comment is poorly worded. You can delete it at your volition.
or you can rewrite your comment and post it, and i will modify the original.
i’m not saying that we should disregard physical attraction. sure, it’s a factor. but we’ve created a culture where the process functions around these traits. how is it different from a modelling agency?
of course i’m generalizing and simplifying, but really, how is this different than matching up young pretty girls who can cook with rich tall guys?
I don’t know man, I understand you are coming from a nice new agey perspective and all, but for alot of men and women, the things they are attracted to are mostly built in, or at least have solidified at this age in their lives (whether because of society, or otherwise I won’t get into).
actually i don’t subscribe to any perspective, so that’s irrelevant. i’m just presenting my thoughts/arguments without being attached to any way of thinking.
and also, it’s exactly this solidification that i’m trying to call out, whether because of society or otherwise. when we’ve raised boys who’s main criteria is that their future wives look like ashwaria rai, there’s a problem there. at least i believe there is a problem there.
Eh, just leave it there for the world to see. Yes, it does seem like the rishta-machine functions around physical traits, and income attributes, but really, is there any other way for a rishta-machine to work? I think the broader issue is one of finding new ways for mozlem men and women to meet where they themselves can explore what they are looking for and what they need, which may diverge.
yes, it’s the shallowness of the system that bothers me.
but really, is there any other way for a rishta-machine to work?
not if we don’t talk about it. the problem is that we accept it and further perpetrate it. recognizing a problem and discussing it can go a long way towards finding alternatives. and i don’t think it’s “someone else’s” responsibility to do so. it’s ours.
Well, the machine filled a void sorely needed in a non-sub-continental society where you just don’t know as many people as your parents knew back home. So, I guess you are right that it should be fixed. On the other hand, maybe we should just let it fall by the wayside and come up with different ideas.
By the way Mubarak Ho! I will patiently await my invitation.
I had a comment, but I was distracted by the discussion that ensued.
The most important aspect of choosing a mate should be that they are a moral and kind person. This is a superior quality to looks, height, income, and education.
I do have one statement that might seem like an unwelcome injection of practicality, though.
Marriage is not just about two people getting along with each other.
It’s that, but much more. It’s a contract. And, in this contract, each party should have specific and set obligations. Otherwise, chaos will most likely ensue.
In Islam, for example, the Quran/Sunnah is quite clear on these obligations. A man must support his family. A woman must raise the children. Now, you can do it differently, if you like, and I have no objection to an inversion of this. However, somebody has to take charge of specific tasks, because if they don’t, the tasks will be inadequately completed.
What tasks? Children, food (procurement or preparation), religion, bills, health, social and family relations, etc.
SO. When a family sits around discussing a mate for a “boy” in their family, the question of whether she cooks or not may actually be relevant. If they had raised a young man who could do that for himself, then I presume they would discuss other issues.
It’s all about recognizing the deficiencies in one person and seeking out someone who will complete them… who will help them get by in this mad drama we call life.
Most likely, though, the family in question raised an educated young man who can go out in the world, get a job, make money, be faithful to his wife and father children. In exchange for these qualities, they want a woman who will care for him when he gets home… and perform duties that they believe he is not equipped to perform. (Of course, this becomes problematic and even misogynist when said family insists that she works as well as care for the home while he sits around and scratches at himself… but, I digress).
These requirements are based upon a standard contract, and that’s why the families ask these questions. Wise people will know that the questions that need to be asked should vary upon the young people in question. Lemmings will ask the same questions no matter who we’re talking about.
More power to those who choose to rewrite these rules and are successful in doing so. However, I would like to assert that there’s nothing wrong with a man wanting a wife that can cook and a woman wanting a man who earns enough for her to stay home. As long as they are happy and willing to provide something in return for these requirements…
Also, I think the skin color thing is annoying as hell. As a woman who is (slightly!!) darker than her fair husband, I hear subtle crap about this all the time. I chalk it up to post-colonial traumatic stress syndrome. 🙂 But, physical attraction, as you know, ensure propagation of the species, so lucky for us dark ladies, it’s a good thing some fair men don’t mind women with a little color?
Finally, as someone who has been married for almost a decade, I can tell you that the success of my marriage has relied heavily upon the fact that both my husband and I entered into our marriage with the belief that we *needed* each other. The belief existed that we were NOT complete and independent souls, but that we were created to be companions to one another.
This belief carried us through many moments when it would have been easier to say, “To heck with this.”
excellent input Faiqa! your injection of practicality is not unwelcome at all.
When a family sits around discussing a mate for a “boy” in their family, the question of whether she cooks or not may actually be relevant.
i agree, it may actually be relevant. i think my aversion to it all is the culture that is built around it. when what is more important is what you said above (moral, kinda person and an understanding). i think there is a difference when people who get along agree to a contract, versus a contract drafted to get people to get along.
It’s all about recognizing the deficiencies in one person and seeking out someone who will complete them… who will help them get by in this mad drama we call life.
but can’t you just hire a secretary (male or female, whatever float’s one’s boat) for that? or a life coach? why bother getting married?
But, physical attraction, as you know, ensure propagation of the species, so lucky for us dark ladies, it’s a good thing some fair men don’t mind women with a little color?
“lucky for us dark ladies””? “some fair men don’t mind women with a little color”? don’t mind?
tsk tsk, as if it were a thing to mind. this type of talk is unwelcome. =)
Also, I think the skin color thing is annoying as hell. As a woman who is (slightly!!) darker than her fair husband, I hear subtle crap about this all the time. I chalk it up to post-colonial traumatic stress syndrome.
more on this colour thing. slightly!! and so what if it was more than slightly? so what? =)
and regarding the subtle crap, you should lay a not so subtle smackdown back. you shouldn’t have to hear crap, and it needs to be made clear to those who say crap that it is unacceptable.
and yes, i think it’s a post-colonial thing too. and it’s very sad, kinda pathetic and completely unacceptable.
“but can’t you just hire a secretary (male or female, whatever float’s one’s boat) for that? or a life coach? why bother getting married?”
Hmm, in that case, why bother getting married at all? You can pay someone to do anything! Even have children for you. Or so I hear. 😉 Obviously, if you *pay* someone, their loyalty or investment in your happiness or success is superficial… even contrived.
And, heeey, I was kidding about the “lucky for us dark ladies” thing. Sarcasm does not translate well over the Internet!! 🙂 The subtle comments are rarely directed at my “darkness.” Usually, this is how it goes:
“Oh, *you’re* the one that’s Pakistani? I thought he was, because, you know, he’s so fair.”
I know. Wrong on so, so, so many levels. And this has happened more times than I even care to believe.
hahaha, yes madam, i knew you were being sarcastic. =D which is why i put a smiley after my follow up sarcasm (that unwelcome comment, it has smiley! and so does my “so what” comment! i use smilies to battle internet sarcasm).
“because, you know, he’s so fair.”
my response: you know what’s fair? if i take my shoe and smack you with it. that’s fair. now we’re even and you can leave my house.
Hahah, shoe smackage!
Did you guys notice that both those songs have almost the same exact beginning?
oh we want to play this game, do we?
Did you guys notice that both those songs have almost the same exact beginning?