if you don’t say anything, you never have to repeat yourself.
I’ve had a couple of instant messaging conversations (chats, the kids call them these days) in the past week that I would like to share. I am using only their first names to “protect” their (un)important identities.
The preamble to this one is that I was chatting with a friend but messages weren’t getting through. So I tried sending a message to someone else:
Artin: test successfully failed
me: your face is fail.
Artin: Now that’s the Adnan we all know and love
this, i’m going to blog, or something.
In my attempts to be more social, Todd and I were supposed to visit this techie meet-up thing.
Todd: I’m still planning on going, but I may be late. Our release got bumped to tomorrow
geez todd, i don’t like socializing with people.
Todd: ha! You’re a regular schmoozer. Just bring the cards 😉
me: i don’t like new people.
Todd: just don’t tell them that
me: fine, i won’t.
Then again with Todd on the day of the meet-up:
me: so we’re still good for 6:30?
Todd: 7:30 would be more likely
me: you should be ashamed of yourself.
the thing starts at 7.
Todd: fashionably late?
me: i don’t do fashion.
Todd: That much was obvious
me: i’m going to blog this conversation.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
I want to create and share. Create things where I enjoy the process of creating them, and then sharing would almost come as a natural follow through to that. Because if you enjoy the result as much as you enjoyed the process, or if you enjoy the result in any capacity, then why not share it too?
The process of creation doesn’t have to involve creating something from scratch. It could be that you take something old, or something that already exists and add to it, thus in the process creating something new. And it may not be so for everyone but I’ve figured out that it is these basic desires, if I can call them that, that bring me closer to any concept of happiness. To create and share.
Cooking comes to mind as a perfect example of this. For those that enjoy cooking and then share the results with others, how awesome that must be. Even if you follow recipes and create something someone else originated. I think the feeling you get is still much the same. Probably a better feeling if you did create and originate what you share. The extra excitement of “I came up with this” can be nice. Though originality is very overrated.
I suppose you could share stuff that you haven’t created. Which is awesome in its own way, but the joy in creating and sharing, I think, is something else. And if you’re not doing both then you’re missing out.
Whether you create music, write stuff, take pictures, grow a garden, design buildings, or teach, whatever it is. All of these fall under that create and share pattern. Unless, of course, you create but you don’t share. Which I think is a shame. I guess there are many reasons why one would be unwilling to share. Perhaps it’s not “good enough”, and maybe it really isn’t good enough, but so what? Maybe if you don’t share then you don’t have to be judged on what you’ve created. Then the flaws found in what you create might come off as a projection of your own flaws. Yeah, it might, but so what? Maybe it’ll even help you improve. I guess we all have our own reasons for not sharing. Though the only reasons (that I can think of at this moment) are that what you created is extremely personal, or perhaps it hurts others. But apart from that, I don’t think you’re protecting yourself by not sharing. Hah, but it’s not as if I am immune to all that I say here. In either case, we’re not all that unique, so if we’re thinking/creating something, chances are there’s other folk who think along the same lines.
And that in a nutshell becomes a guiding star for what I want to do not just in my future, but in the present as well. It’s not a concrete direction but it’s something to measure my actions against. That’s good enough for me.
i would fall
a thousand times over,
just to see you smile again.
i would marry just your smile,
then i’d brush up on my poetry
so that everyday
i could recite
the thousand words
that your smile is worth.
a fucking ring
it’s just a thing
all it binds is itself
to your finger
When I was a little boy (I’m not sure what age, maybe four, maybe eight) I used to tease my parents to take me to see the rain. “Paani ki baarish” I would call it, rain of water. But of course rain consists of water and the mere mention of rain implies water falling from the sky. But in my mind it had to be said, perhaps that connection between rain and water wasn’t clear, so it had to be said out loud. “Paani ki baarish”, this rain of water.
My insistence on seeing this rain of water put my parents in quite the situation. They could not produce rain regardless of what it was made of. So they took me to malls or places where there was a fountain. Sure it didn’t fall from the sky, and it wasn’t even rain, but it was water and apparently enough to fulfil my demands.
It’s from the phrase that I wrote “Paani ki Baarish” about a year ago, and I’ll reproduce it here:
dor se jo dikti hai, woh choti si khwahish hai
mujh pe jo barasti hai, woh paani ki baarish hai
boondoon ke tapakne mei, yaadoon ka barasna hai
khoye hai khayaaloon mei, ab khudko sambhalna hai
intezaar mei baithain hai, kuch mushkil se guzarna hai
dum se khadum lete hai, apni manzil se milna hai
dheere se jo aati hai, woh choti si khwahish hai
chuke jo guzarjati hai, woh paani ki baarish hai
The “holier than thou” posts are supposed to be my rants on marriage, and I will be continuing them soon. This post, however, is to address something I said in the earlier post. I made mention that I was “soon to be married”. That is no longer true, they (them who shall henceforth be referred to as ‘they’ and ‘them’) called off the wedding three days before it was supposed to happen. This doesn’t change my views on the process of marriage from my earlier post, in fact, it reinforces those views.
I think my collection of feelings can be best described as odd. Just odd. Odd. There’s a lot to say about my feelings, hah, but I won’t get into that here. And I feel sorry for everyone involved, everyone (even ‘them’). And Good Lord do my parents ever not deserve this.
The day I was supposed to be married I went down to meet Todd, a good friend. The weather was great, though a bit chilly, and we walked around Harbourfront talking about stuff and jazz. I think he summed it up best when he said, “Think about it this way, sure you didn’t get married today, but you had a shawarma”.
Yes Todd, that was a good shawarma.
A part of me wants to lash out and say bitter piercing words, but I won’t.
I’ll just reproduce something else I wrote a whiles back:
maghrib mein ho gareeb, to mashriq mein kya ameer thay
gintee tumhe na wahaan aati thi, na yahaan aati hai
par sukoon ab na raha, raatein khojati hai
neend tumhe na wahaan aati thi, na yahaan aati hai
karti hai baatein tumhari, diloon ko sab ke tang
sharam tumhe na wahaan aati thi, na yahaan aati hai
thodh ke apna ghuroor, karlo khuda ko yaad kabhi
par duaaein tumhe na wahaan aati thi, na yahaan aati ha
So stuff happens, some people get bit by bugs and some people get hit by trucks. I land somewhere in between and there were no trucks involved. Stuff happens and things move on.
Alhamdulilah. I’m going to go re-watch Firefly now.
chalo, maaf kiya
par ye aasuoon ka jawab kaun deyga?
My mom was describing my interests to family and she mentioned that I have no interest in cars, like boys often do, but that I was crazy about computers. The observation is true and I make no apologies for this. I don’t care much for cars apart from the fact that they’re used to travel from point A to point B. I have no knowledge of engine types or any interest in souping up my car with lights and rims. My use of the car is purely functional, it solves the mobility problem. My take on computers is similar, like the car the computer is just a tool. But I can do much more with this tool. It’s not so much about owning a computer or having it as it is about the fact that computers exist and carry with them tons of potential. And thus the excitement and “craze”.
It’s about the possibilities. It’s not about what your processor speed is or about the size of your RAM. It’s about what you can do with what you have. I’m not interested in programming and coding because they’re logical exercises. I’m interested in this stuff because it’s cool, it’s fun and it’s creative. It allows me to take an idea in my mind and create something out of it. The computer is simply a tool for that. No much more than what brushes and a canvas would be for a painter, or a camera would be for a photographer.
Sure the specifications do matter at some point, a faster computer allows you to do things faster. But the speed in and of itself is meaningless. What can I accomplish with that speed? What can I create?
I have a pen in my room. It was gifted to me by my father. The pen is still cased in the box it came in. I’ve never used it and I don’t intend to. It’s a Mont Blanc pen, and it’s expensive. I can’t wrap my head around that. The pen is a tool. It allows me to write. But will my words be any different if my pen is more expensive? Will it’s shine improve my creativity and my ability to think? I doubt it. Now, I do appreciate the gesture of the gift. But I don’t understand why this pen exists. I wonder how many people can get meals off of the “value” and “worth” of that pen.
I suppose my problem is when tools become a symbol of social status. So instead of serving a function, your tools become a display of what you have/own. What else is a more expensive car, a more expensive pen, or a more expensive watch? Why do people buy Hummers, Mont Blanc pens, and Rolex watches? I don’t get it.
So that pen will remain boxed, my iron ring will stay in my wallet, and I don’t see why a Lexus is any better than a normal Toyota.
I think a guitar has more value than a Rolex, and I’ll always like computers more than I like cars.
Another thing about computers and, in particular, the Internet is that they allow and promote conversation and collaboration. They are a powerful medium for conversation, expression and sharing. These things allow me to learn and then share that with others, and that is why I’m crazy about computers and that is why I love the Internet.
My vocabulary is awfully small. Not that that is a particularly awful thing, it just so happens to be true. The part of my memory that retains words seems to be diminishing (along with other parts). I just can’t seem to remember new words or terminology, this in addition to my already tiny word selection set.
If you use a big word in a conversation with me, chances are that I won’t know it. Oh, I’ll ask you what it means if I feel I’m missing the gist of what you’re saying. But chances also are that I’ll forget the meaning of that word. If I’m conversing via instant messaging, I’ll probably just look up the word on dictionary.com. Sometimes, if I’m feeling really lazy, I’ll just ask (yes, even in IM). But again, this doesn’t mean that I’ll retain knowledge of that word for future use. Chances are that I’ll look it up again, and again.
I remember when I was younger, my mom gave me this book titled something like “1100 words you need to know”. I never was interested in getting through it. Knowing words for the sake of knowing words doesn’t sound like too much fun. Don’t get me wrong, I love word play and a play on words. Puns are fun. It was similar with typing speeds. Driving up your typing speed just for the sake of driving up your typing speed seems rather pointless. And I’d score poorly in any such typing tests. Not anymore though, now I type fairly fast. But my typing speed improved as a result of wanting to code faster (getting the idea out in code as fast as I think it) and wanting to respond to ICQ messages quick enough.
I don’t know if I have any such equivalent for learning new words. I seem to get along fine with the ones I already know. Most other words are probably just fancy ways of saying words already in my vocabulary, and if they’re not, then I could probably still convey the idea through a combination of words I already know. Fancy words are overrated. Why would you want to look up a thesaurus? Just so you could make other folk look up a dictionary? What’s so wrong with using the words you already know?
One of the nice side effects of a small vocabulary is that the things I say/write can naturally lend themselves to being simple. I simply avoid the complexity of complicated words. In the end, it’s probably an internal mechanism designed to keep me lazy.
Note: No words were looked up during the construction of this entry. Although, the spell check feature was used multiple times.
i might have been staring,
i didn’t notice that i was,
that’s if i was.
and even if i was,
i wasn’t really staring.
i was just waiting for your smile.
It’s like an itch from time to time. The design of the site just has to change. I like this one.
focus is like a
body of water fighting