you always go

All of a sudden I find myself making trips to hospitals. Visits, if you will.

I don’t like going to hospitals, I feel a certain uneasiness, discomfort of sorts. Insecure perhaps? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, I just don’t like going. This state is compounded by having to go visit someone in a hospital setting. Maybe it brings the insecurities closer to home?

In some ways I feel I’m bothering the people I’m visiting. What could I possibly say or do that would help them? I’ll go and live a few awkward moments, having made no real difference. But then I realized that there’s a massive problem with this type of thinking, this logic is flawed somewhere. I don’t have proof, so you’ll have to chance upon it yourself.

I realized this and I said to myself, “You dumbass, someone is sick, someone is not feeling well and all you can think about it how uneasy it will make you feel? When did this become about you? asshole… get over yourself.”

When you have the opportunity to go visit, you always go. There are no ifs, ands or buts. You do what you have to, you do what it takes. You cross all the ts, you dot all the is, you cross all the seas and you travel as many miles. You do what it takes, you always go.

I really realized this last year, when my brother-in-law was hospitalized due to a procedure he had to go through. My mom said we should go visit, but I was reluctant. I figured that there are already plenty people there, we’ll just crowd things up further. They’re already worried, and now they’ll have to worry about us, about where we’ll stay, about the food, about transportation. We’re adding to their worry. This all makes logical sense from some angle, but again, the logic is flawed.

We ended up going, leaving home early in the morning, around 3AM. Driving across the border, boarding the Buffalo to New Jersey flight, I was in the flawed mindset. Wondering whether we should really be doing this. “What will I say? What will I do?”. On the way back, my mindset was different (we took taxis for transportation, ate at the hospital cafeteria and returned at the end of the day). It doesn’t matter what you say, it doesn’t matter what you do. Just be there. Talk about the weather, talk about sports, talk about the price of tomatoes, or just say nothing. Simply occupy space.

It’s not as if I no longer feel uneasy, I do. But I have to subdue that. We all do.

I keep reminding myself: you don’t have to do anything, just occupy space. But always, always, always go. You always go.

8 thoughts on “you always go”

  1. too many people let their discomfort stop them from going, from calling, from inquiring about how you are. and then 6 months have passed, then a year, then several years. And that’s the end of that friendship.

  2. too many people let their discomfort stop them from going, from calling, from inquiring about how you are. and then 6 months have passed, then a year, then several years. And that’s the end of that friendship.

  3. yes, but it doesn’t mean they’re bad people though. folk are just built differently.
    at the same time, phones work both ways eh, you can always call and throw some guilt bricks on people.

    also, my hair will protect me against any incoming swings to the head. =)

  4. I could always call, sure. But an extended hospital stay makes me only want to maintain friendships with those who love me truly. and maybe it’s unfair of me (and countless others), but I think that loving truly means getting over your fear/discomfort with illness & hospitals and coming to see me when I’m dealing with fucking life and death. I no longer have time for waffling friends. I only make time for steadfast friends.

    with that said. I would not throw a guilt brick at you. only because it’s pointless. your hair is like a shield around your head. 😉

  5. There is a Hadith Qudsi to the effect that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’aala will ask a person on the Day of Judgement: O son of Adam! I fell ill but you visited Me not. That person will say: How could I visit You while You are the Lord of the worlds? Allah will say: Did you not know that My slave so and so was sick but you visited him not? Did you not know that if you had visited him, you would have found Me by him?

  6. thanks for that aamir. there’s also the story about the Prophet (pbuh) visiting the garbage throwing lady.

    though for some reason i particularly left the religious references out of this post. i don’t know if i should be saying this, but sometimes i feel that we should be muslim so to say, even if we didn’t have islam…

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