where did i go?

emo alert

is everything a mind set? and can you set (or trick/delude) your mind enough to get from it what you want?

there is a contradiction somewhere. i don’t have expectations from other people. i can’t have any, how could i? but from myself? i try not to, but it’s hard sometimes. i work myself into this gridlock, where i create my expectations (loosely based on what i think i can accomplish), but yet somehow i feel i can’t meet them, so i don’t get started. thus the contradiction. and a battle within.

it’s this contradiction, this tug-of-war in my mind, that seems to be distancing myself from the things that i love. where i don’t find myself in the moments i’m in. the motions and reactions are the same, but i am not the same. my actions now seem so selfish, where once they were not. i am different.

with relation to software, i know i’m not in the boat alone. i see so many colleagues in the same situation i find myself in. outer perception and inner reality, and the conflict between the two. i feel slower and dumber than i was 3 years ago. 3 years ago i was practically singlehandedly carrying a team building a major website. now i feel like a shell of my old self. people still see me by what i’ve done in the past, and i can’t seem to get over my reality. i can’t seem to get over my apathy.

i have not really built anything in the last 3 years. i used to build things all the time. without any hope of reward, with no expectations, with nothing. i just did, because i wanted to. purely for the sake of building something. now i know too much. the clutter in my mind prevents me from doing anything real. i know what i have to do. i’ve read and researched everything. i can plan it all out. it’s just the act of doing it. it’s during that act (and i do start) that i convince myself about what i cannot do. again, i’m not alone in this state. this is the state of many many software folk.

haha, i think at some point, i’m afraid. afraid of doing something good, afraid of meeting my own expectations. i’m afraid of something alright…

it’s pretty much the same thing with magic. i am completely out of touch with people i used to know in the magic circle. on the web and in person. haven’t been to the magic shop in ages! even in the moment, i don’t find myself in the moment. everything is the same, i am not.

for the life of me i can’t understand why i would distance myself from the things that i love so much. the things that really do matter.

zen… hah. the first part of my zen was dealing with my surroundings and the expectations i had from others. that was largely a reaction to work. and now the second part has to start, i have to react to myself.