triumph over hope: awake

Sometimes you’re awake for so long you forget if you’ve ever slept. I don’t remember what sleep feels like. I just feel an emptiness. But at some point I know I must have.

I think it’s supposed to wear me thin. But I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel. Why won’t they leave me alone? Is this a punishment or a reward? Do they have any idea of the madness in my mind?

Every time I see the sky my first reaction, my first instincts are to cry. And I do. A chance for my tears to touch the free air, a chance for them to be free. But I can’t be like this for too long. I don’t want them to see me like this for too long. It’s just me, it doesn’t really matter what they see. They see everything anyway.

But why? Why do they let me see the open sky? Why won’t they just let me die in this enclosed shell, in this darkness? I have to re-familiarize myself with the darkness, with the silence over and over again. These are punches that leave no bruises, they only leave pain.

This is torture. Hope is torture and death relief.

I need to sleep.

history

A few months ago I imported all most of the previous posts that had been lost due to constant shifting of blogging software and the long long breaks I took from blogging. Some posts are completely lost.

It isn’t so much that these old posts were great or anything, but I think it offers a complete picture of my insanity. I couldn’t import the comments, that’s where some of the real insanity was. Some posts do make me cringe. I also noticed that there were a lot more spelling mistakes in the older posts, this is simply because back then browser technology didn’t have built-in spell checking.

Anyway, I’ve pulled out some of the posts that I found interesting and/or fun:
A moment of silence – 2002/03/29
Quote of the Day – 2002/05/15
did somebody say ‘bon voyage’? – 2003/08/19 (cringe worthy, yet comical)
hello – 2003/10/25 (my favourite of the old ones)
insane in the… – 2003/11/04
jokes – 2005/06/14
Who am talking to? – 2005/09/01
TV Commercials – 2005/09/06 (hahaha)

30 Rock or How Tina Fey Is My Hero

This is simply a very very good show. It makes me laugh out loud. Though it did take about 3 episodes for me to really start laughing, but after that, it’s a hoot. I also like the opening/ending music and the background music.

The show was recommended by a classmate but I knew I wanted to watch it due to Tina Fey’s recent SNL appearances.

It must be super awesome to be the creator, producer, writer and star on your own television show. Wow. And you still find time to entertain millions by impersonating politicians who resemble you. Tina Fey, you are my hero.

You really should watch the show, it’s clever and funny.

less is actually really less, but there are some who interpret it as being somewhat more than it actually really is. in short, less is more… more or less…

what’s up doc?

My eyes have been dry for ages. Not my eyes, but my eye lids. The skin, it gets dry and starts to get flaky. I know this looks weird to those who have to see it, but given the design of the human body I’m exempt from having to look at my face. The glasses also do a good job of hiding the dry skin. This is all not a problem. The problem is pain. It is a problem when the dryness becomes painful.

This coupled with a sore throat that also delivered much pain resulted in a visit to the doctor. Trust me, I resisted for a while, but finally gave in. This is the same doctor as the last time.

I played with the cards while waiting to be called into the room. But when in the room I just lay the cards on the table and just sat there. I noticed a sign, custom made, that said: ONE PATIENT = ONE VISIT = ONE PROBLEM. I did not like this sign. In part due to the fact that I had two problems on this particular day, but also because I think it’s absurd.

The doctor comes into the room with my file. He said, “Hey, how are you doing?”

“Absolutely fantastic. It’s been a pleasure. I’ll be on my way now.”, I responded as I stood up and started to walk towards the door. He laughed.

I started off with the sore throat problem. I hate it when that gets worse. It’d be nice if things were just solved automatically with a few hours of good sleep. But this sore throat/trouble breathing and gulping thing seems to happen to me a lot. It’s the same reason I was there the last time.

While checking out my throat the doctor asked me if I was performing, he had noticed the deck of cards. I told him I was not. “Then what are you doing?”. “Just a normal job. Hey, what’s with this sign?”

“Oh that? My business partner put it there (the other doctor).”
“What up with that?”
“Does it offend you?”
“Yes, it does offend me, it totally offends my sensibilities. I think it’s absurd and ridiculous.”, I visibly showed disgust.
“It drives him (the other doctor) nuts.”
“I also have another problem.”
“Okay, what is it?”

I explained the trouble with the dry eye lids. I find it amazing that he knew exactly what the problem was and wrote up the prescription without ever actually having taken a close look at my eyes. I have had this issue before and have had the same cream prescribed before.

“You want the bang for your buck? What are we going to do about this?”, he says pointing to the acne around my eyes, “I can give you something for that to decrease it and it will hurt less. For the scars you’ll have to see a dermatologist.”

Wow, he totally hit the nail on the spot. Many years ago another doctor offered me unsolicited advice on the acne. I ended up walking away from that check up and not going back to clinic ever. I was there to get vitamin B shots. When I walked in to the clinic the receptionist person immediately asked me if I was there for the acne treatments. What in hell? I explained that I was there to get my vitamin B shot (a fairly quick procedure). I found myself in the doctor’s office and right after the shot she asked me about the acne as well.

“But when people see you, the first thing they see is your face.”, she said with her hands gesturing across her cheeks.
“I’m okay with the face I have, thanks. Good bye.”, I walked away before she could do any more convincing. That clinic has a whole acne treatment section thing, so they were just trying to increase their clientele.

Anyway, back to this doctor. He spoke about the pain. That is was I hate about the acne. The scars and all, sure, whatever. It’s the pain that hurts. I accepted the prescription.

I figured I’d ask him about the hair falling as well. I asked him if I should do anything about it. He said that it depends on how comfortable I was losing the hair. He wrote me up a prescription for some drug and said that should I choose whether I wanted to use it or not based on my comfort level. I hate seeing long strands of hair fall off in the shower or when I’m doing wudu. That’s one of the main reasons I cut the hair so short. I don’t mind seeing short hair falling off. I’m choosing not to use the prescription.

Of course, what would a trip to the doctor’s be without any magic? I don’t remember any more, the last few times I’ve been there, I’ve done magic. This time I did two, yes count that two card effects. He’s the type of person that does not take his eyes off the hands and his reactions are equally interesting.

Maybe I should have my own sign: ONE PATIENT = ONE VISIT = NO MAGIC.

dastak

agar kuch aitebaar ho, to karo
thoda aur intezaar kar sako, to karo
koi aayega, woh dastak liye aayega

dil ko aaram de sako, to do
dil ki awaaz dhoondho, phir sunoo
dil to dil hai, dhak dhak kiye jaayega

zindagi ki rah pe chal sako, to chalo
zinda-dili ka raqs kar sako, to karo
waqt to darya hai, behta chala jaayega

akaash pe urr sako, to uro
sitaron ko chu sako, to chu’o
ye karwaan hai, barhta chala jaayega

ab saansein na baitho pakar
chor do agar ho koi dar
koi aayega, woh dastak liye aayega

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